I've been told writing down feelings and events can be therapeutic so I've decided to give it a shot!
On July 27 2012 just a week past my 23rd birthday Carlos and I were taking a trip to Houston to visit his cousin Juan and his fiancé Vanessa in their new home! We had a fun filled weekend planned of going to the beach and NASA and just spending time with family! We had just gotten in from an extremely late dinner and drinks when my phone began to ring. It was 230 in the morning so I couldn't ignore the horrible feeling I had in me when I saw it light up. My uncle terry was calling to tell me that my nana had a heart attack and they were in the E.R working tirelessly to stabilize her. Anyone who knows me knows that I was ridiculously attached to my nana... We talked at least 4-5 times A DAY! She was my confidante my best friend my counselor my entire world. Carlos and I jumped back in the car and burned rubber to get to Irving to be there! We arrived a little after 6 am where my mom stepdad and younger cousin waited in the parking lot to tell me that MY nana was gone... We had missed her by 17 minutes... My world came to a screeching halt at 5:58am and I didn't even know it. We went up to the icu waiting room where my family was gathered and to say everything was a blur is an understatement. I was in complete shock (and still am in disbelief to this day) that MY nana the woman holding our entire family together like glue was gone forever. My aunts uncles cousins and various other family members were distraught and I could not find it in me to console or even utter a sound. It's not that I didn't want to or need to I just was no longer there mentally... I feel as if my brain shut it self down as a protective measure because I was going to explode the second I processed what was really going on. Carlos and I went back to see her and I swear her chest was rising and falling... Of course that was only a wish playing tricks on my mind. My nana was dead. She was finally no longer heartbroken over the loss of my grandfather, her soul mate and husband of forty six years come December. They were reunited at the pearly gates to walk the streets of gold with our lord! Maybe this sound knowledge and grace of god is what has kept me from self destruction I the days that have passed. Every fiber of my being knows that for the past 2 1-2 years my nana has been broken without my granddaddy... She ALWAYS put on her brave face and carried on in a way that could fool the best of us but I know that she was slowly dying of a broken heart... We had her viewing on Wednesday and her services on thursday the 2nd of August and man can my nana draw a crowd!!! The massive amount of people there to show their love and support was astonishing!! She touched so many people's lives just with her smile!!! She is the epitome of grace and a heart the size of Texas! I'm lost without her... I have my amazing Carlos who is keeping me sane and grieving right along with me... He loved my nana just as much as I did in just the short 7 months he knew her! I can hear her now.." well how is mister Carlos?" Nana and i had the most amazing time together these past few months shopping and planning the wedding! She is the only person to see me in my wedding dress and what a special special memory that is! I don't know how I going to get through my wedding, pregnancy, child birth and raising a child without her! I still have my perfect perfect mother to help but there's nothing like a grandmothers love :) I know that with time our hearts will heal... The hole we have in our hearts where she is will never heal or close it will just be filled with her love memories and spirit! I hurt so so badly but I rejoice in the fact that one day she will be standing at the gates of heaven waiting to receive us all... It's not goodbye it's see you later.... I love you nana... Send us a baby girl to love ... She will be your namesake and no doubt the spitting image of you as are my mother and I!!
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